How often have you looked at someone and thought, “They’re not worthy of that great job, relationship, income, or any other factor.”
I’m guessing that if you do at all, it’s an extremely rare occurrence—because why would we even think that way? Who gets to decide whether someone is worthy of the experiences in their life?
But here’s the crazy thing—whether consciously or unconsciously, most of us have this conversation with ourselves every single day. We give up our time, energy, and mental well-being to the pursuit of questioning, doubting and proving our worth.
This doesn’t happen by accident. Truth be told, from the moment we are old enough to think, we are presented with the idea that self-worth is something we earn and that our value is tied to our achievements, productivity, appearance, or ability to meet external expectations.
But what if we’ve been chasing something that was never real?
The Self-Worth Illusion: How We Got Here
We have been taught from the beginning to measure our worth—whether it’s through school achievements, likes on social media, or job titles. It’s easy to fall into the trap of letting outside approval define how we see ourselves.
Some of these influences include:
- Culture of Hard Work = Success – Society tells us success comes from relentless effort and following the “right” steps, but for many this template of success simply doesn’t work.
- The Education System – We learn early on that good results equal worth, conditioning us to seek validation through performance and taking focus away from alternatives such as enjoyment or finding ease in our work.
- The Influence of Advertising – Brands profit from our insecurities by convincing us that we need to be better looking, wealthier, or more accomplished to be valuable.
- The Self-Development Industry – While the personal development space is mostly positive, it can reinforce the idea that we are never quite “enough” and always need the next book, course, or mindset shift.
Over time, we internalise the idea that there is always a gap between where we are and where we should be. This creates a constant state of striving—one that keeps us overwhelmed, exhausted, and disconnected from our true selves.
Ultimately when we place our worth in the hands of the external world, we give up our right to feel at peace with who we are. Is it any wonder that we’ve lost our embodied sense of safety, and our nervous systems are in a constant state of dysregulation?
Self-Worth, Burnout and Mental Health
When we believe our worth must be earned, we unconsciously develop behaviours and coping mechanisms to try and “close the gap.” These patterns show up in both business and life, dominating our time and energy and often leading to burnout and disillusionment.
Common Behaviours Rooted in Low Self-Worth:
- People-Pleasing – Seeking approval, over-committing, and struggling to say no.
- Fear of Failure – Avoiding risks out of fear that any mistake will expose our inadequacy.
- Perfectionism – Setting impossible standards and never feeling satisfied.
- Negative Self-Talk – Harsh inner criticism and difficulty accepting compliments.
- Comparison – Measuring our progress against others and feeling “behind.”
- Validation-Seeking – Relying on social media, career success, or relationships to confirm our value.
How many of these show up in your life?
Research indicates that excessive reliance on external approval can lead to anxiety and depression (PsychCentral). Also, social media use induces fluctuations in self-esteem, with many experiencing negative effects due to constant comparison. (Oxford Academic).
For many of my clients, it’s the impact of these patterns of behaviour and the resultant disconnection to who they are at the root of it all, that leads them to seek change. The constant striving leads to stress, exhaustion, and a sense of emptiness that no amount of external success seems to fix.
The Self-Worth Crisis
The digital age has only intensified our reliance on external validation. Social media, in particular, fuels the illusion of self-worth through:
- Dopamine Loops – The likes, comments, and shares we receive trigger pleasure responses in the brain, reinforcing our need for approval. A study published in JAMA Pediatrics found that adolescents who frequently check social media show heightened activity in the brain’s reward centre, similar to patterns seen in addiction (JAMA Pediatrics).
- Endless Comparison – We are constantly exposed to curated highlight reels, making it easy to feel inadequate. Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that upward social comparison, often exacerbated by social media, is directly linked to lower self-esteem and life satisfaction (APA).
The result? We live in a society that is more connected than ever, yet deeply disconnected from itself.
How our Needs were Hacked
By looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we can clearly see how our fundamental needs have been strategically targeted to disrupt our natural sense of self, leaving us in a constant state of outsourcing our worth to external sources.
- Want to feel safe? Work harder to prove your value.
- Want to belong? Look or act a certain way.
- Want confidence? Achieve more, earn more, be more.
It becomes impossible to meet the state of self-actualisation because we are always chasing our basic needs.
Society has rewritten the rules, making it feel that we must first achieve external success to be “worthy” of inner peace. And as long as we subscribe to this system, fulfillment remains out of reach.
Ironically, if we could focus more on the concept of self-actualisation, activating our potential—our resourcefulness and creativity would naturally expand.
The Shift: From Self-Worth to Self-Leadership
So if self-worth is an illusion, how do we break free from it? The answer is self-leadership.
Rather than waiting for permission to feel valuable, self-leadership empowers us to take ownership of the worth we already have and create a life based on inner alignment, rather than external approval.
Self-Leadership Means:
Recognising Your Inherent Worth – You are already whole; nothing external can add or take away from that.
Developing Discernment – Cultivate an inner GPS based on authentic beliefs, trusting your intuition to guide you towards aligned choices.
Identifying Your Unique Gifts – Instead of proving your value, embrace the strengths that make you unique.
Tuning into Your Purpose – When you align with what truly matters to you, external validation becomes less important.
Cultivating Presence – Developing deeper self-awareness and attunement to your needs.
Embracing Discomfort – Rather than seeking a way out of difficult emotions, learning to move through them with resilience.
When we shift from chasing self-worth to leading ourselves with clarity and confidence, we reclaim our power.
Instead of being at the mercy of societal expectations, we accept our sovereignty—where we create, lead, live and love with authenticity.
Breaking free
Are you ready to stop seeking proof and start owning who you truly are?
If this resonates, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s start a conversation about what self-leadership looks like for you.
Reflection Questions:
- How would your life change if you stopped trying to prove your worth and started owning your leadership?
- Do you recognise patterns of self-worth struggles in your own life or business?
- Where do you still seek external validation, and how does it impact your choices?
If you’re ready to go on a journey to grow your leadership, find out how we can work together with The FIERCE Leader Method.
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